I’ve posted quite a few updates on this site about my journey to lose weight. From a top weight of 241 lbs, I’ve now officially lost 71 lbs and I’ve got 25 lbs left to go to reach my goal. From the incredible support to the pats on the back and the incredulous looks on people’s faces (some of which are HILARIOUS, I have to say,) I thought I would check in and talk about what it really feels like to drop that kind of weight. Not from what you can outside, but from what I can see on the inside.
First, let me point out that there are no “bad sides” to anything I’m about to say. Just more of an observation of what’s going on back here in my brain. Let me also point out that if you have no issues with your weight, this isn’t meant as an advertisement for weight loss. It’s just me checking in with what’s happening with me. You and the relationship you have with your body is yours alone.
The first thing I’ve noticed is that the clothes I used to wear don’t fit anymore, but I keep wearing them. Want to know why? Because very few of us drop the pounds and can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes. Hence, you sometimes show up to events in clothes that don’t look like they fit. Because, you know, they don’t. The other part of it is that I don’t necessarily want to get rid of them just yet. These clothes were my safety blankets. They served me well and it’s hard to say goodbye to old friends.
The second thing I’ve noticed is a suspicious amount of clothes that I must have purchased in a drunken haze. I have a LOT of items that might have fit, but never flattered me in any way. These are easier to part with, but have left me with a morning-after-like hangover of, “Oh wow, what was I thinking? And, you know, how can I never repeat this mistake again?”
The third thing is that I’ve become the person that used to annoy me. You know the people you want to punch because they’re so damned perky in the morning? I have become one of those people. I wake up without an alarm clock at 6:30 am every day and head off to my work out with a level of energy where I annoy myself sometimes. It happens, people. Watch out. My inner cheerleader is out.
The fourth thing is that I feel very conflicted emotions. On one hand, I feel amazing and am SO CLOSE to reaching my target BMI and body weight that it makes me happy. I like very accomplished in that regard. The other side of that is many of the reasons I gained the weight still haunt me from time to time. I still battle with emotional eating and sometimes I wish I were, shall we say, less visible. Like anyone warrior used to fighting, when the battle is ending and the armor comes off, you feel somewhat naked without it. I’ll adjust.
The fifth thing? There is no such “Biggest Loser” moment where you walk into a store and EVERYTHING fits. That is such a lie. Sizing is still different from brand to brand, and there are still some stores in which I can’t shop. I’m still too curvy to really shop online without trying things on in the store. I’m choosing to focus on the brands who make clothes to fit me. After all, it’s my money. No one can buy your self-esteem unless you list it for sale. Remember that.
Finally, I would say that my world seems different. I’m pretty excited for spring this year. I’m aiming to wear a BATHING SUIT, SHORTS and SHORTER SKIRTS, people. These are things I wouldn’t have dreamed of. I haven’t worn a two-piece (or, let me rephrase that – SHOULDN’T HAVE) since 2003. Back-to-back workouts don’t bother me now. I just feel GOOD. I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything.
The thing is, I realize I’ve come a long way, but I realize that I have a long way to go. Because it’s not really about the last 25 lbs anymore. It’s about the inside catching up with the outside, about celebrating the YEAR of hard work I’ve put in and getting rid of some old baggage.
Besides, the old baggage doesn’t go with the new look. If I’m going to keep investing in this new body, I’ve got to invest in a new state of mind.
After all, I want EVERYTHING in the new look to coordinate.
Has anyone else out there gone through something similar? Let’s dish, dolls.
Also, feel free to join me on the FSB Fitness Challenge on twitter using the hashtag #fsbfitnesschallenge